In short.

November 21, 2011 § Leave a comment

I cannot understand:

  • Duplicity
  • Selfishness
  • Outright dishonesty

I want to understand how it is possible for a person to be this way. Nothing about it makes sense. It’s just inhuman.

Time and time again I am shocked by it. I allow it to anger me. To frustrate me. To consume my thoughts.

I don’t want to deal with this. Is there a way to be zen about it? Is there a way to pray for grace to be immune to it?

The fact that I can continue to have emotions about it at all, that I want to change it, is the difference between us, I think.

Empty.

November 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

She is going to take them away. In little more than a handful of months, she wants to erase everything we have built. We don’t know what to do with knowing.

How much do you hold on, how much do you cling to that which you love, clawing, scratching fighting tooth and bone to keep your hold on what is yours, what is so precious and dear? And how much do you accept, let go, pray that it is the right choice, the one that will let them be free from the hell that she keeps them in? How can you even begin to let go?

My heart aches already. We have months to prepare, to decide what is the right choice. How can you choose between your life and one that does not exist?

Trust.

October 12, 2010 § Leave a comment

When I first met AJ and learned of his troubles with shewhomustnotbenamed, I would tell him to have faith, to keep going, that truth would always prevail, that good always conquers evil, and various and sundry platitudes that all boiled down to this: at some point, if you have truth and goodness on your side, you will get what you deserve.

Then, as we entered a two year long legal battle, my spirit became just as broken as his. I felt like our justice system wasn’t properly equipped to recognize and reward the truth and that as long as she was crafty enough, shewhomustnotbenamed would always just skate by. Keep faith, my mom would tell me. She’ll get what’s coming to her. Truth will always prevail, good will always conquer evil, and so on and so forth.

And yet we kept going. And even my mom, my rock, began to lose faith. When will they ever see it, we wondered? And then, inexplicably, the sun broke through the clouds, the tide changed, and things started going our way. Just bit by bit at first, like she didn’t believe it either, but then it got bigger and more real and more people started seeing the writing on the wall and suddenly we are in the place we always wanted to be.

Truth prevailed. Good conquered evil.

The superkids come see us regularly. We are about to pick them up for the 7th scheduled weekend in a row, our longest streak yet. And all this time has changed our relationship indefinitely. It’s hard to put a finger on precisely what has changed. They see us different, we see them different. We’re not these people who they sometimes see to get entertained. We are their family, their parents. I feel trust when I’m with them, I feel love. From the way they hug us, to the way they look at us, and talk to us, just from the way they sit around our home, everything is different and so much more real.

Every time I turn around, I feel like there are more blessings. I still don’t feel like it’s real and I still don’t know if I completely trust that everything won’t change, but I want to believe in it.

I want it to be real.

Liberty.

July 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

There was nothing about it that was perfect.

There were tears, tantrums, frustrations. The food wasn’t on perfect, little Martha Stewart trays, not everyone’s hair was combed, hell, not even everyone’s clothes matched, but there was nothing about that holiday that I would trade.

We sat on the beach at sunset, chaos all around us as hundreds of people gathered, eager to add their version of patriotism into the smoke addled air. It was so loud that we had to shout to one another to be heard as we clambered  for our small square of beach to ring out our celebrations of independence. Amidst all that celebratory bedlam, I found myself swallowed up by the pregnant silence of the profound realization that in that moment, I had everything that I wanted. All the noise, the struggles, the heartaches just came crashing down and instead, I felt complete, I felt love in its purest, most untouched form.

They would turn and smile at me, inviting me to share in their joy and I knew I had become a real person to them. I feel so fortunate to be on this side of it, to know the difference now. Every minute that they are here, I want to hug them until I can’t stop and tell them how much I love them until I am out of the breath to say it. I want to love them until my heart stops beating.

I remember now, why we do this, why I am in this. I remember why we bother to subject ourselves to her, why we put every penny we have into fighting so very hard to get to this point. We may never really be free, but this weekend we celebrated our independence from the struggle and danced in the light.

Nothing bad. For once.

June 10, 2010 § Leave a comment

I feel like I only generally come here when I want to bitch, moan, or otherwise express some variation of cynicsm. My writing muscles are all weak and puny, which leaves me to the easy options most days: 1) Writing as a means to work out my angst, or 2) Not writing.

In the interests of beefing up my "writing while things are not all that bad" muscles:

We're going away this weekend. To a little bed and breakfasty kind of place. We're taking a real trip, not going to anyone's family's house, staying more than one night, GOING AWAY. I don't even know what you're supposed to DO when you go away. We have no agenda, except two tickets for a boat tour around the bay, whenever we'd like to go (sunset? middle of the day? WHENEVER).]

I've never had a real vacation VACATION as a grown-up. I think I have more things on my list of things to possibly do than is realistic, and that's okay. We're going to see some ocean, get some sun, maybe even see a whale. We're taking a departure from this life and taking advantage of some things we've missed out on.

I think it's an unspoken rule that we won't be talking about shewhomustnotbenamed or anything about the [rhymes with schmarenting] plan. We are escaping and reconnecting. In the midst of everything that has been our lives in the last year (Two years?) we've lost ourselves a bit and we are marking this weekend as the turning point. We're closing the book and not looking back. We've done enough analyzing and reflecting to make us sick and we need to remember who we are as a couple. A couple who isn't consumed with this grief and heartache, a couple who doesn't always have that shadow lurking overhead, casting a pall on what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship, a couple that is capable of finding joy again.

We need this, so very much.

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