Good enough.

October 1, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’m struggling with feeling Good Enough today.

I had a fantastic weekend, full of all those things that makes one feel like a happy, productive human being.  I had this great post all composed in my head and then by the time I sat down to write it, everything fizzled down to a disappointing wet fart.

Sometimes I find life to be so hilariously inconsistent. What brings me joy one minute can make me feel so inadequate the next, even simultaneously. Just the stupid innocuous act of cleaning up and preparing the files on my harddrive for a backup left me feeling not only incredibly satisfied for having completed a long-avoided task, but also completely frustrated at things in the past that I couldn’t change. Sorting out the file of legal documents and incriminating screen shots and emails from years gone by just made me feel so helpless, powerless, stupid, even. And then, completely unrelated to that, my s-daughter was a bit of a brat to me on the phone. So when I get an email from a potential photography client, instead of feeling elated that things are finally happening for this whole freelance  thing, I just sat there feeling not Good Enough, my mind swirling with all the reasons that this person might ultimately decide to reject me. And searching for solutions to the unanswered questions (where to do the shoot, looking for inspiration for poses) just filled me with even more self-deprication. Ugh, and let’s not even talk about how I’m supposed to be at 8 lbs down today and instead I’m only at 3. 

I mean, shit, can I do anything right?

I know the answer is yes, that I do lots of things right and even when it’s not right, I’m doing my very best and that itself is good enough, but a lot of the time, it just doesn’t feel that way. I want to be the best damn accidental freelance photographer there ever was, with my bottom of the line Canon that every other mommy blogger owns. I want to effortlessly shed all the pounds that years of self-loathing help me piled on. I want my s-kids to see me as this beacon of light and love and not hurry to get me off the phone so they can put in their required time with their dad and get back to whatever it is that they were doing. So, okay, my expectations are a little unrealistic.

I know I need to give myself a break, to celebrate who I am and not who I am not. So, yes, I have the cheapest DSLR I could find, but I still take damn good pictures. Even when I just had my little point and shoot people liked what I was doing. And I haven’t lost all the weight as quickly as I have wanted, but in 4 weeks, I have made significant progress in changing old habits and making new. And as far as the s-kids go, well I can’t change what happens when they’re not with us and I can’t expect them to have maturity that some adults never muster up (ahem, their mom). But I can love them, I can not take it personal, I can have the maturity they can’t.

And on days when I want to beat up on myself for not having the grace be comfortable in my own skin, I can remind myself that everyone feels like that sometimes, and it is okay to feel vulnerable.

Fallen.

October 24, 2011 § Leave a comment

I fall short.

I try to remember how her little hand felt in mine as we crossed the parking lot to the store with the puppy dog on the front. How much my heart leapt at that adorable description. What it was like to put her little bit too old and little bit too big body into the seat of the cart and push her around and make her feel special, like she was the only one in the world for me or anyone else. Why I was thinking about everything but those big, blue eyes putting all her trust in me, her smile, why I was stressed about dinner or something her mom said or how much our trip to the store would cost. Why I wouldn’t buy her gum. I try to remember these little things, and I fall short.

I try to remember something good. When he caught a fish with his dad and the hour of impatient waiting didn’t matter and only the fish and lunch (2 for $20 at Applebees) was the greatest afternoon he ever had. Or a million video games and me not wanting to play a minute. Or why I’d want to tell him “not tonight, no more stories” and tuck him into bed instead of reading until the sun came up, his head on my shoulder, laughing at Shel Silverstein’s rhymes. I try to remember the good, and I fall short.

I try to believe that this is for the best. That they will be thankful for the reprieve, for the space, for the longer time with us (longer in between though it may be). That we will be steady and unwavering and they will remember that. I try to believe we will come out better, but I fall short.

I try to be brave. To put them from my mind the 6 days of the week that I don’t hear their voices, and on the 7th, too, when she’s failed us again. I try not to fail them, to be everything they could need from me. To never show weakness, or sadness, or anger, or anything in between, but I fall short every time.

I try to let go. To go back to the life we had before. To un-fall in love.

I fall short. Again.

An explanation, of sorts.

April 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

Five Fridays ago I went to work like it was a normal day and ended up leaving with my already fragile world flipped once again on its head.

They were doing  a reorg, and I was getting the shit end of the stick.

After a week of angst and frustration, lots of meetings wherein the major players tried to convince me that my demotion wasn’t *really* a demotion, I found myself the new owner of a severance package and a severely accelerated plan to go chasing after my dream job.

I was decidedly optimistic about it out of the gate. No, it wasn’t ideal and definitely not the path I would have chosen, all things being equal, but timing-wise, it seemed to make perfect sense.

When we found out that shewhomustnotbenamed was moving the skids across the country, we started thinking about moving back home with a little more purpose. While we definitely didn’t want them to move, without them tying us to this location, we’d be free to live wherever in the state we wished. The plane ride for them wouldn’t really change. So, I had started to look , but not with any sense of urgency. When the right job was there, we’d go.

But now there is a need to find a job right away. A little voice whispering “go!” If I was looking for direction, I had found it, it seemed.

I put out so many applications in those first couple weeks after the decision was made. I could do ANYTHING I wanted. This was the opportunity of a lifetime, I thought. No more wishing something would fall in my lap, I was going to go out there and find it, dammit.

But I don’t do well with idle time. I had forgot this about myself. I’m floundering now. Not really sure of what kind of job I should be looking for. I haven’t received a call back on anything, and it’s been a few weeks on some. Surely that means that I won’t be hearing back and if that’s true, then I must be doing something wrong, right? Should I be looking for just anything to get us out of here? Or should I be looking for just anything up here, and keep my eye out for the dream job there? And the big question: What exactly IS the dream job? I know the dream industry, but what is the dream JOB? And if I do manage to get it, how in the hell are we going to be able to actually move there and make it happen?

So many unanswered questions that all seem to chip away at my self-esteem throughout the day and ultimately result in the Hour of Self-Loathing every night (11pm, if you’re interested) when I realize that I have no answers and my day has had no purpose. Poor guy, He just sits there, asking how to help, but I honestly don’t know. I’m not usually the one who needs to be helped.

I know that in the end, this time will be an important turning point in my life, my career, and my marriage, but right now, I am struggling.

Now that I have acknowledged it, I can start to piece together a plan to change it.

despair.

April 24, 2011 § 2 Comments

In one week, it will be May. That’s almost summer.

I fell asleep in December, had a dream about a perfect life, and woke up 5 months later to a nightmare. Where has all that time gone? How did I get here? How did it all change so very quickly?

I feel lost. Anxious. Not at all myself.

AJ isn’t himself. Andrew and Olivia aren’t themselves. And they’re leaving us, soon to be the Twice-or-Three-Times-a-Year type kids. He and I…we just don’t say anything. Because what is there to say? There is nothing to be said to make it better. Nothing to be done. We just have to put one foot in front of the other and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

I don’t feel like I know what to hope for right now. Every possible solution brings about more potential problems. I feel like there is no way out or up or through. It just is.

Sometimes I get this glimmer of hope, and then someone, in their all too well meaning attempt at being “helpful” says something that sends me into a tailspin of self-doubt and I’m right back to this place again.

So I’m going to write it out. Every night. Every time I feel this spiral of despair pulling me down. It has helped before. I hope it’s help again.

Empty.

November 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

She is going to take them away. In little more than a handful of months, she wants to erase everything we have built. We don’t know what to do with knowing.

How much do you hold on, how much do you cling to that which you love, clawing, scratching fighting tooth and bone to keep your hold on what is yours, what is so precious and dear? And how much do you accept, let go, pray that it is the right choice, the one that will let them be free from the hell that she keeps them in? How can you even begin to let go?

My heart aches already. We have months to prepare, to decide what is the right choice. How can you choose between your life and one that does not exist?

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