angst.

August 28, 2011 § 1 Comment

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon in late August, one of those days where I should be counting my blessings and other various and sundry things. Instead, I am feeling morose, comtemplative, cynical even.

It started with a facebook group celebrating the fact that my 10 year high school reunion is just one year away. I would just like to state for the record that I cannot fathom any world in which a person should be so excited about reliving their high school days that they are looking forward to it a year in advance. I just don't get it. I feel like 80% of the people on the board didn't get the message that high school WASN'T the time of their lives. Isn't there just…so much more? I wish we still lived in a time where we could go about ignorantly living our lives and freak out when we get the invite in the mail just 3 months in advance and go on panicky crash diets like normal people. Not this crap.

Then, I started looking around, wondering if other people who were on the fringes in high school (not quite the outside, but not the inside either) were equally as irritated and/or anxious about this whole business. I found a very small contingent, which only confirms the fact in my mind that growing up in a small town means that the high school bullshit never really ends. There will always be the inside group that is completely oblivious to the feelings of everyone else and just tramples over everyone with their shiny hometown pride zeal.

I don't know. That sounds like I don't like my hometown, which isn't accurate. I love my hometown, I love my former high school. I just didn't fit with the people in it and it took many years for me to even realize that. I was trying so hard to fit my square peggedness into their round hole for so long that it didn't even occur to me to look for a square hole. And now that I've found it, I wonder if it's worth the energy to explain that I get it now, that I'm square, and I'm okay with that and can all of us squares just be friends?

But of those squares, I've realized, some of my (very few) close friends no longer belong. They've become so very very round that I scarecly recognize them. And I don't want to go to a place where I am placed right back on the outside again. I mean…what is the point of that? I don't want to be mourning the loss of my childhood friends. It's easier to live far away and pretend that no one has lost themselves and the only problem is not enough time to see one another.

But I graduated in a class of only 160 kids. In the whole town. There is an immense amount of pressure (probably all imagined in my own mind) to go and do ones duty and smile that fake, cheesy, "I missed you all so much" smile, when really I'll be thinking "you're all just as stupid as I remember, only now I realize that I thought you were stupid when back then I thought I had to be one of you so much that I was willing to overlook that fact."

I wish I could just pretend the invitation got lost in the mail. 

Quickly now.

November 5, 2010 § Leave a comment

Friday, in bullets, because I’m tired and also feeling a little yakk-ish.

  • Costco is the worst place to try and squeeze in a half hour lunch. Workplace is only 5 minutes from Costco, but I burned a good 15 minutes just trying to navigate the parking lot in the middle of the day on a Friday. I don’t get it.
  • I’m having a small zombie obsession. But not gory, 28 Days Later zombies. More like…gentle, slow zombies. It started with Shaun of the Dead. And then The Walking Dead on AMC. And now I have Re: Your Brains on repeat on my Zune.
  • Badcat crawled onto Andrew’s bed tonight during story time, openly displaying any sort of acknowledgement of either kid’s existence for the first time ever. I have never seen that kid smile so big.
  • I recently started what must be my 15th time (at a very conservative estimate) through the entire series of Friends. The show NEVER gets old. This will be the thing that dates me as I get old.
  • I have a Justin Beiber song stuck in my head, except it includes Olivia singing along. Best Beiber Ever.

The thing I have not learned.

July 19, 2010 § 1 Comment

I think I might suck as a social being, it turns out.

I’ve realized lately that I don’t really know how to make or keep friends in real life. I can be plenty social and amicable, but I don’t know how exactly you’re supposed to have friends when you don’t have convenient things like group projects and finals and celebrating finals to facilitate social interactions.

Most days, I just want to come home and be home and I don’t really want to be apart from AJ all that much.

It was understandable when we were going through the courtroomdrama hell. We were so overwhelmed by everything in life that we only ventured out for food and sustenance and otherwise huddled close for warmth and reassurance. But we’re past that now. We want lives.

I don’t know how to be the center of attention. I feel a little faint at the idea of inviting people I don’t know very well to my home where it will be revealed how truly boring I am. And I don’t know how to go about knowing people well enough to earn an invite to whatever social events they might have going on in their lives. So it’s easier to just rely on my trusty war pal (and extensive DVD collection) and keep to ourselves.

In all reality, I prefer my long-distance friends who either know me well enough to see past my slow-to-warm tendencies or are as equally socially awkward.

But then there’s the rare occasion where an internet friend lives in the same town and wants to do something but being that our friendship exists primarily via internet, we never get much further past “we should do something sometime.” And then someone’s feelings get hurt because both people were waiting for the other to take the initiative to make something real happen and one person took it more seriously than the other. And ugh, I just hate this whole process.

Maybe I’ve made all the real friends I’m going to make and it just so happens that none of them live in my town. But I don’t want that to be true.

So on Thursday, I’m taking a risk and going over to a coworkers house to do crafty things. And then we’re going to make plans for her family and our family to hang out. And we’re going to become real friends, outside of work. I might be anxious and nervous and all up in my head, but I know I can do this.

I can still make friends.

Geeks in love

November 17, 2009 § Leave a comment

Character in movie we’re watching: “I don’t really like other people”

Him: Me either.

Me: “You like me.”

Him: But we’re in a relationship.

Me: “But I’m someone other than yourself, am I not?”

Him: Not since we started this relationship

Me: “I see. So I just got assimilated, is that what happened?”

Him: Yeah, it’s like the Borg.

Me: “Oh good. Our relationship is like the Borg.”

Real conversations

September 9, 2009 § Leave a comment

Me: What did you just say?

Him: I turned the stove off…I just made a song out of it.

Me: Since when do you make songs out of things all the time?

Him: Since I met you.

Me: So, you could say I put a song in your heart?

Him: Yeah, something like that.

———

Him: Thanks.

Me: Uh…you’re welcome?

Him: For dinner. Thanks for dinner. And for returning my love.

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