Family.

January 9, 2011 § Leave a comment

It has only been one year.

One year ago, we were still at war, still desperately clamoring for precious hours together, and then, unsure of how we fit together within those hours. We still walked on eggshells wearing shoes of fear, uncertainity, and raw vulnerability. Every day was a different kind of pain. Somedays the good kind, the growing into one another pain of creating a family from brokenness. Other days, it was the worst kind of pain, the fighting, aching kind of pain that comes from having everything ripped away from you, mud ground in your face, open wounds in salty air. Pain of weakness, of exhaustion, of wanting to give up but having no choice but to put one more foot in front of the other.

We have come so far.

Together, AJ, the skids, and I, we climbed a mountain and lived to tell the tale. We fought the she-dragon, the blizzards, the rocks, the hardships, and at the top? It is nothing but sweet victory. We are a family, and not just in the gushy sense of playing house in our hearts. We are married, all of us, a family.

It is amazing to me, the transformation we have undergone as a family, and as individuals. We still have our moments, but no longer is it wrapped in some sense of distrust or disbelief in our family unit. The skids no longer pretend to call AJ “Dad;” He is Dad. I am even mistaken for Mommy in moments that continue to increase in frequency. The outward and implicit signs of love are abundant amongst us, from goodnight “I love yous” to stolen hugs in the kitchen. Nothing describes it better than the tears that spilled down little 6 year old Supergirl’s cheeks as we hugged together after walking out of the chapel as a family.

I couldn’t predict these changes last year, nor could I even know to wish for them. As this new year sweeps over me and I start to set goals for myself, all I want is to embrace this feeling of inner peace so that it may grow and thrive in the new life He and I have committed to build.

Reasons

May 2, 2010 § Leave a comment

I found this half-started list buried in the pile of drafts from March-April that I started and then walked away from out of lack of interest, energy, or just words. It's interesting…I wrote this on March 1. Now I'm here, 2 months later (and TWENTY-TWO POUNDS DOWN!!), and, although I never completed the list, I feel like I can reflect a little on how well things have been working.

—-

Reasons for starting Weight Watchers

  1. My fat pants were starting to fit tight. 

            – Oh, hallelujah, they are falling off my rear now. Now I just have to decide if I'm ready for new ones or if I should wait a few pounds more.

      2. I felt frumpy in my work clothes.

             – Every day my coworkers are praising me for how cute I look, and, more importantly, I feel inspired to put together cute outfits instead of pairing whatever shirt that's not too tight with the same black trousers every day. Some days I walk out of my apartment feeling damn hot, and that is a BIG change.  

      3. I'd been trying–unsuccessfully–to get on track since the new year. I needed outside intervention.

            – I'm definitely eating better for myself. More days then not I actually get those 5 servings of fruits and vegetables and–at least on workdays–I'm getting out and getting my body moving. I'm still working at adding what feels like meaningful cardiovascular activity, but slowly but surely I'm getting there. I think somehow joining WW solidified the idea for me that it can't all happen overnight but that slowly, with meaningful changes to my lifestyle, it will all start to fall into place. And it is. I regret the days when I eat McDonald's and miss going running when I don't. I never thought I would be this person–literally NEVER–but somehow, I'm turning into her right before my very eyes.

Baby steps

February 10, 2010 § Leave a comment

I joined Weight Watchers today. I'm taking charge.

I feel like this is my last shot somehow or the one thing that should work and if I can't make it work, I will have truly failed.

I know that's not true, but I'm 25 and on a collision course for diabetes, for disease, for an early death. And I don't want that to be me.

So I'm taking charge.

I took Before pictures today. When there is the glimmer of an after, I WILL share.

Moving forward.

December 30, 2009 § Leave a comment

PEACE.
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. (author unknown)

I have never found myself further from peace in my life. How can I have peace when I am constantly at war? Battle after battle, day in and day out, it has made me cold and it has hardened my heart.

I’m fighting the wrong people, the wrong battles.

I maintain that I am happy; that I have what I want in life. But being happy once meant that I was resilient, that I could stand strong and weather the storm, and I am no longer capable of those things.

This life that I have chosen–or maybe it chose me–is a challenge. Every day I face obstacles that a younger, less mature me would run from. In finding the wherewithal to conquer these challenges, I have become a person I no longer recognize. I find fault in so many people, I take offense where none was intended, I fight battles that need not be fought. I am exhausted. This year, this fight has left me completely spent.

On Christmas Eve at Midnight Mass, I felt that increasingly familiar feeling of annoyance and cynicism creep it’s way into my thoughts and I couldn’t believe that I was feeling it at Mass on Christmas Eve of all places, and yet, instead of turning away from those feelings, I allowed myself to sink deeper into them. I’m not a very reverent or devout person, but looking back a week later, I’m a little shocked at myself. And then, somehow, I found myself receiving Communion and feeling my heart open, as if it was made of ice and suddenly the spring had come. It was a reminder: THIS is peace. THIS is what you are missing. Your heart deserves better.

And so, rather than angrily slamming the door on this year of challenges, I will firmly shut it, with dignity, and look toward a year of peace.

Admiration.

November 4, 2009 § Leave a comment

I don’t remember when exactly it was that I stumbled across Sundry/Linda’s blog. I was young, it was Diaryland, there were no kids (in her life or mine). I kind-of halfheartedly would read her back in those early days, more intrested in the fact that HA! Look! Someone on the internets talks about places I’ve been and could drive to, right this very moment! I lost track somewhere along the way and stopped reading on a regular basis.

When she moved to sundrymourning.com, some other blogger I was reading at the time linked to her there, and I…I just fell in love, as weird and stalker-y as that is to say. Riley, her son, was just a few months old, and she was writing about her experiences as a mother with such honesty and such a clear, unapologetic voice (and she was FUNNY!). Reading her felt like sitting down to coffee with my best friend; she talked like me, had the same cynical outlook on life, but she was still a little soft around the edges. I hooked her up to whatever feed reader I was using prior to Google’s, and have DEVOURED every word she has written since.

Her life, and naturally, her writing (the content, not the make-you-spit-take-at-work style) has changed a lot since I became a die-hard lurker (I can never get up the nerve to comment all that often…as if I’m not cool enough to speak to her, or something). She has two kids now (both equally adorable), she’s a lot more internet-famous…she’s matured as a brand, really, and as a mom. Then came some big changes after she had her second son, and it took me awhile to appreciate the awesomeness of it all.

Linda used to write about feeling flabby, about oreos and cheetos and all those piehole-comforting foods, and about laying around the house–JUST LIKE ME–and I identified with it and I loved it. And then, it was like one day she just decided she was tired of it all, and started working out. And then she started looking awesome, and talking about how great it all felt, and then her posts started to get more fitness-centric and she even spawned a fitness blog, and then she was training for a triathlon, and I just wanted it all to STOP. I’d get so excited to see that (1) next to All & Sundry in my feed reader, and then goddammit all if it wasn’t another fitness post that was making me feel like SHIT about my ever expanding waistline. I got to where I wouldn’t even read the fitness posts, I’d just skim right on through until I hit the cute kid pictures.

And then she posted this.

Something about that post struck a chord with me, and not just about fitness. There was this deeper message there, about setting your mind to a goal, digging in and accomplishing it, no matter how goddamn lazy or intimated you’re feeling about it. She takes RISKS man, some really awesome risks, and they seem to be paying themselves off.

Something about seeing how far she’s come, just on her own willpower, made me realize: I used to be like that…I can be like that again.
I can go off, chasing goals and damn it all, achieving them. I can blog every day (or at least more than I have been). I can get in shape. I can finish this never-ending thesis. I can go out and snatch a career I want. Hell, I can even tidy up my house more than once a week. I just have to add it to the plates…and keep spinning.

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