i love…

May 4, 2012 § Leave a comment

…where we are going. It feels like the whole world is open to us right now. Full tank of gas and empty roads; let’s open this baby up.

…that you are growing. In leaps and bounds it seems, these days. You ooze self-confidence and it is the most refreshing, invigorating thing.

…that I am getting to rediscover myself, find my voice again, remember what it is that I like about life.

…this life.

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Him.

November 1, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s not easy, living apart.

It’s been a month of this. Of long hours in the car, falling asleep alone, the noticeable void at every sad, happy, and ordinary moment. I’m going through all these big, exciting new life changes, and I just have to describe it to him after the fact over the phone. We’re like…1/9th of the way there, before he can move here with me, and some days it feels like all the long term benefits (degrees, dream careers, houses…the whole 9) just maybe aren’t worth it.

But oh, that’s not today. The secret part about living apart from your husband is that suddenly you appreciate everything about him. His face is new again, after almost five years. His voice suddenly sounds like it did the first time he said “I love you.” On the weekends we see each other, I can’t stop holding his hand, hugging him, smiling at him, just to remember he’s real. Our marriage feels so strong and just…VALID right now.

And it’s exciting, too, to find new ways to connect with each other. We just got a second webcam and did the video gchat for almost 2 hours this evening. Suddenly, being able to see him smile feels like such a great big exciting deal, not to mention all the ways that we’re inventing to let each other know we’re thinking of each other. It’s like going through those exciting beginning months of dating again.

I don’t know how this will change and evolve over the next 8 months. But I’m confident we’ll be stronger for it and it will be worth it, because, dammit, I love him.

Reflecting.

May 13, 2011 § Leave a comment

Well, we’ve said goodbye and sent them on their way, and now we’re adjusting to our New Normal.

It’s a little bit easier and a little bit harder than we anticipated.

There are still moments that are punctuated by the reality of their extended absence, but for now, we are trying to focus on the silver lining of everything. It seems like it’s working.

We’re taking a minute, a concerted effort, to step back from everything and to reconnect. To finally, four months in, be newlyweds. We’re remembering what it’s like to spend time together where we just get to enjoy one another’s company and not be dealing with the drama du jour, what it’s like to have enough energy left at the end of the day to tell some secrets in bed, to be husband and wife, to remember what it’s like to like each other, and not to just be hanging on to one another, paddling like hell to stay afloat.

It’s beautiful and sad and perfect all at the same time. I’m actually getting to pour over my wedding pictures, to take in each detail, contemplate the day. I can’t believe how far away it seems, in such a short time, but I also can’t believe how beautiful it was. It was absolutely the right thing to do when we did it, absolutely the thing we needed to be able to weather this latest storm. Part of me wants to go back, to relive every moment and take it all in once again, but a bigger part of me is so glad I have those moments to revisit now, to give me hope and remind me how easily attainable that happiness is. Sure, it will be achieved differently this time, but we can do it, and it looks SO GOOD on us.

Maybe.

November 30, 2010 § 1 Comment

We could get married. Now, while it’s still just us, before everything changes again.

We could just throw all of these stupid conventions of The Right Way To Do Things, and just do it, while it’s just the four of us, while we’re all still happy.

It wouldn’t be the big wedding we’ve been dreaming of, but maybe that was just a dream. Maybe this dream is just as beautiful.

Do you think we could do it? Do you think we should?

Sweet.

November 4, 2010 § Leave a comment

Last night, I did that stupid thing where I put the sheets in the washer too late and tried to convince myself that I could remember to keep my ear open so I could  switch them to the dryer the second that washer stopped. Except of course I forgot to listen and remembered, oh, right around the time that I wanted to go to bed.  So while I waited, I did the natural thing, and fell asleep, open-mouthed and drooling on the bottom bunk of the skids’ bed.

[This isn’t about ruining bedding.]

I have no idea how much time passed lying there in the Harry Potter-themed abyss, but suddenly He was there, gently touching my arm. He said “Come on, you can’t stay in there all night. The bed is made.” And then he helped me crawl out of the bunk (man, did I feel old) and rubbed my back and helped me to bed.

I don’t know what it is about this story that compelled me to share it. It was just one of those moments when I remembered all over again why I love this man and why I want to share the rest of my life with him. He is patient and selfless and kind. He is unfailing when I need him. When he speaks to me, it is love.

That’s all, really.  I just love him. And sometimes I love the reminder.

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