despair.

April 24, 2011 § 2 Comments

In one week, it will be May. That’s almost summer.

I fell asleep in December, had a dream about a perfect life, and woke up 5 months later to a nightmare. Where has all that time gone? How did I get here? How did it all change so very quickly?

I feel lost. Anxious. Not at all myself.

AJ isn’t himself. Andrew and Olivia aren’t themselves. And they’re leaving us, soon to be the Twice-or-Three-Times-a-Year type kids. He and I…we just don’t say anything. Because what is there to say? There is nothing to be said to make it better. Nothing to be done. We just have to put one foot in front of the other and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

I don’t feel like I know what to hope for right now. Every possible solution brings about more potential problems. I feel like there is no way out or up or through. It just is.

Sometimes I get this glimmer of hope, and then someone, in their all too well meaning attempt at being “helpful” says something that sends me into a tailspin of self-doubt and I’m right back to this place again.

So I’m going to write it out. Every night. Every time I feel this spiral of despair pulling me down. It has helped before. I hope it’s help again.

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Maybe.

November 30, 2010 § 1 Comment

We could get married. Now, while it’s still just us, before everything changes again.

We could just throw all of these stupid conventions of The Right Way To Do Things, and just do it, while it’s just the four of us, while we’re all still happy.

It wouldn’t be the big wedding we’ve been dreaming of, but maybe that was just a dream. Maybe this dream is just as beautiful.

Do you think we could do it? Do you think we should?

Empty.

November 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

She is going to take them away. In little more than a handful of months, she wants to erase everything we have built. We don’t know what to do with knowing.

How much do you hold on, how much do you cling to that which you love, clawing, scratching fighting tooth and bone to keep your hold on what is yours, what is so precious and dear? And how much do you accept, let go, pray that it is the right choice, the one that will let them be free from the hell that she keeps them in? How can you even begin to let go?

My heart aches already. We have months to prepare, to decide what is the right choice. How can you choose between your life and one that does not exist?

Nothing bad. For once.

June 10, 2010 § Leave a comment

I feel like I only generally come here when I want to bitch, moan, or otherwise express some variation of cynicsm. My writing muscles are all weak and puny, which leaves me to the easy options most days: 1) Writing as a means to work out my angst, or 2) Not writing.

In the interests of beefing up my "writing while things are not all that bad" muscles:

We're going away this weekend. To a little bed and breakfasty kind of place. We're taking a real trip, not going to anyone's family's house, staying more than one night, GOING AWAY. I don't even know what you're supposed to DO when you go away. We have no agenda, except two tickets for a boat tour around the bay, whenever we'd like to go (sunset? middle of the day? WHENEVER).]

I've never had a real vacation VACATION as a grown-up. I think I have more things on my list of things to possibly do than is realistic, and that's okay. We're going to see some ocean, get some sun, maybe even see a whale. We're taking a departure from this life and taking advantage of some things we've missed out on.

I think it's an unspoken rule that we won't be talking about shewhomustnotbenamed or anything about the [rhymes with schmarenting] plan. We are escaping and reconnecting. In the midst of everything that has been our lives in the last year (Two years?) we've lost ourselves a bit and we are marking this weekend as the turning point. We're closing the book and not looking back. We've done enough analyzing and reflecting to make us sick and we need to remember who we are as a couple. A couple who isn't consumed with this grief and heartache, a couple who doesn't always have that shadow lurking overhead, casting a pall on what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship, a couple that is capable of finding joy again.

We need this, so very much.

D-day.

May 15, 2009 § 1 Comment

Friday is a day we thought would never come. And I’m not exaggerating.

This court date, this one where we have a modicum of certitude of the outcome, has been continued, postponed, and rescheduled since September of last year. We keep dragging our asses down there, and being sent back with a slightly more correct list of what has to be done, not unlike sending your dad to the store for tampons when you got your period for the first time and your mom was out of town.

And now we’re here. And this post I’ve been trying to write all week about the maelstrom of emotions I’ve been experiencing seems…silly. We’re here. I feel calm. I don’t know what it all means, but I have hope today.

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