February 20, 2013 § Leave a comment
I am so terrified of what comes next.
If you follow me on twitter, you know the last few weeks have been incredibly stressful and trying. There is some crazy ass shit going on with Andy and it is so much bigger than me.
I have been keeping this blind faith that the missing pieces will come together and we’ll have a clear path of how to proceed. But honestly? I have been waiting for something external of myself to force my hand. I didn’t realize how foolish that blind faith that everything would become clear was until tonight when I heard these Mumford & Son lyrics (“get over your hill & see what you find there”) and realized the thing obscuring my vision is myself.
No one is going to help us navigate this mess. No one is going to do it for us. We cannot allow ourselves to be victims of the circumstance, we have to champion our cause.
Every bone in my body is fighting me on this. I do not want to sink away every penny, I do not want to go back to writing document upon legal document only to realizing we’re combating lies and psychosis. I had made my peace with the hand we were dealt and have worked so hard to let go of all my expectations and just accept our life for what it is.
Do I want to open that door again? Risk everything? Change EVERYTHING?
Yes, of course I do.
It’s just a matter of how.
February 20, 2013 § Leave a comment
I think we all have reached the point at one point or another, sometimes many times over, where it all feels too big to handle anymore. What did I sign myself up for? How can I keep doing this? There is no way out.
I feel myself teetering on the edge of reason, lately. I am one little leaf blow away from toppling over and wondering when this nightmare of my life will end. I am able to stay positive in the face of so many challenges…for now. But what will be the straw to break my back?
I know that thinking this way is just setting myself up for failure. Reality is, I have grown so much over the last year in my role as a stepmom and wife, I have found a support group that values beyond measure, I have a great therapist if things get too out of control. I do not resemble, in any way, that scared, anxious girl who naively thought that she would just have to brave it out for a bit and then she could get back to real life. Joke’s on her, anyways. This is real life.
But the fear still lingers, doesn’t it? I am stronger and wiser after 6 years of living in this world, but it is extremely hard to know if the fear is a realistic expectation based on experience or if it’s some sort of post traumatic, self-preservationary reaction. I feel the familiar habits wanting to creep back (check my email, check AJ’s email, check google news, check facebook, check the local paper, look for something to buy on Amazon, check twitter, make lists, keep moving, keep moving, anything to stop the real thoughts from taking over) and it is WORK to keep them at bay. But I have to. I have to conquer my demons so that I am not fighting myself as much as everything else. I can no longer afford to give in and let her cause chaos in my life.
We have some big mountains ahead of us to climb. As much as I do not want to continue to fight, my kids deserve for me to continue to give everything I’ve got. I’m not afraid of the risk—what do we have to lose, at this point, really—but I am afraid that it still won’t be enough, after all this time.
I was given this life because I am strong enough. I’m not going to look in the mirror and cry anymore. It is a new day, and I have the power to make it whatever I want it to be.