I am.

October 8, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’ve been listening to the song Same Love by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis nonstop since the official video was released last week. It’s a song supporting gay marriage, but the more I listen to it, the more I feel like there’s something beyond that, something universal to the message in the hook.

i can’t change, even if i tried, even if i wanted to

I’ve been turning it over and over in my head, letting the idea resonate. There is something fundamental about the human experience in those words. It’s about that moment when you draw your line and stop listening to other’s ideas of how you should be and just realize it. This is who I am.

That moment has been a long time coming for me. Somewhere along the way I became so focused on the things that I could be for other people that I forgot that it was okay to be something for myself, to be me. I don’t know if I lost who I was or if I’ve just never been real about who I am. I don’t know if I ever realized until now that there is a difference between being open to personal growth and trying to change the very essence of who I am to meet others’ expectations.

There are things about myself that I have worked so hard to change, but that I don’t think ever will change. Things that I shouldn’t change, because they define who I am.

I think for some people, this is never a question. And it’s not self-doubt or insecurity that makes the difference, I don’t think. I think there are some people who just know themselves, and then there are some of us who have to do some searching first. The answers are found in the same place though. They never went anywhere, it’s just a question of whether we have been attuned to hear our inner voice or to something external.

I am done listening to everyone else tell me who they think I am. I just want to be me, unequivocally. I am emotional, I am an overthinker, I am a tiny bit lazy and I have horribly inconsistent taste in music. Is that good or bad? You know, maybe that doesn’t matter so much anymore.

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