October 1, 2012 § Leave a comment
I’m struggling with feeling Good Enough today.
I had a fantastic weekend, full of all those things that makes one feel like a happy, productive human being. I had this great post all composed in my head and then by the time I sat down to write it, everything fizzled down to a disappointing wet fart.
Sometimes I find life to be so hilariously inconsistent. What brings me joy one minute can make me feel so inadequate the next, even simultaneously. Just the stupid innocuous act of cleaning up and preparing the files on my harddrive for a backup left me feeling not only incredibly satisfied for having completed a long-avoided task, but also completely frustrated at things in the past that I couldn’t change. Sorting out the file of legal documents and incriminating screen shots and emails from years gone by just made me feel so helpless, powerless, stupid, even. And then, completely unrelated to that, my s-daughter was a bit of a brat to me on the phone. So when I get an email from a potential photography client, instead of feeling elated that things are finally happening for this whole freelance thing, I just sat there feeling not Good Enough, my mind swirling with all the reasons that this person might ultimately decide to reject me. And searching for solutions to the unanswered questions (where to do the shoot, looking for inspiration for poses) just filled me with even more self-deprication. Ugh, and let’s not even talk about how I’m supposed to be at 8 lbs down today and instead I’m only at 3.
I mean, shit, can I do anything right?
I know the answer is yes, that I do lots of things right and even when it’s not right, I’m doing my very best and that itself is good enough, but a lot of the time, it just doesn’t feel that way. I want to be the best damn accidental freelance photographer there ever was, with my bottom of the line Canon that every other mommy blogger owns. I want to effortlessly shed all the pounds that years of self-loathing help me piled on. I want my s-kids to see me as this beacon of light and love and not hurry to get me off the phone so they can put in their required time with their dad and get back to whatever it is that they were doing. So, okay, my expectations are a little unrealistic.
I know I need to give myself a break, to celebrate who I am and not who I am not. So, yes, I have the cheapest DSLR I could find, but I still take damn good pictures. Even when I just had my little point and shoot people liked what I was doing. And I haven’t lost all the weight as quickly as I have wanted, but in 4 weeks, I have made significant progress in changing old habits and making new. And as far as the s-kids go, well I can’t change what happens when they’re not with us and I can’t expect them to have maturity that some adults never muster up (ahem, their mom). But I can love them, I can not take it personal, I can have the maturity they can’t.
And on days when I want to beat up on myself for not having the grace be comfortable in my own skin, I can remind myself that everyone feels like that sometimes, and it is okay to feel vulnerable.