September 30, 2012 § Leave a comment
Am I made of tough enough stuff? Can I be the kind of strong that you need me to be?
When you hang up the phone to avoid talking to me, will it ever not rip my heart to pieces? When you start seeing me as something that comes between instead of who I really am, will I be able to patiently wait out your storm? Will I start to resent you instead of loving you the way that I should?
I don’t want to be all the things you are going to think of me. Most of them, I will never be. And I know none of it is your fault, you didn’t ask for this life. But I did. So am I worthy of the task?
You are only a few short years away from adolescence, and I can see the picture it will paint for you from a mile away. It makes me sad. I can’t imagine the pain you are going to feel. I can’t change it, I can’t really make it better, and I know you think that pushing me away will.
I will miss you. More than I do when you live a thousand miles away. But I will try my damndest to still be here for you when you return.
September 22, 2012 § Leave a comment
This has been my focus lately. Letting go of my perceptions, my unrealistic expectations, of others’ unrealistic expectations, what I think I should or shouldn’t be doing, of my worry.
It’s so hard. I’ve been holding it all together (holding it in, even) for so long that pulling at one thread just tugs at the whole thing. Some days, I’m not sure where to start. Will this one hold on tighter? What if that one is real and I should hold onto it? Maybe I can still hold onto it all (I can’t, I know that now). But little by little I’ve been cutting strings loose and letting them fly away in the wind. It’s not giving up, but rather, acceptance.
- One string for my in-laws and their passive-aggressive, do nothing about anything but still be victimized behavior
- One string for shewhomustnotbenamed, her roller coaster now-we’re-together-now-we’re-not marriage, and her need to cause chaos
- One string for the s-kids, who didn’t ask for any of this and can’t help that we end up so disconnected between trips
- One string for my job, and all the uncertainty and stress that comes with it
- One string for trying so hard to try to change my life
- One string for my Master’s degree and whether it’s ever going to get finished
- One string for all the expectations, real or self-made, that I cannot even begin to understand how to live up to
There is something powerful and amazing and freeing about just letting go. It has been such a process, learning how and then actually doing it. Because when I let go…what will be left?
It turns out, it’s just me. I’m just here, being me. All my flaws and all my good parts and all the things I try to be and all the things I’m not. And that is good enough. I didn’t understand that before, that good enough is an acceptable place to be.