June 8, 2012 § Leave a comment
as the years have added up in my relationship with my husband and with my s-kids (and in the anti-relationship with their mom), i’ve thought a lot about putting my experience with it to words. it’s been a tough decision and i’ve struggled with how to do it. i tried writing about it here and there on my personal blog, but even with my mostly anonymous identity there, it still didn’t feel safe. i gave up for awhile, thought that it wasn’t worth the risk, that it was one of those dreams you just have to let go.
but the idea was always there.
there is so much to share as the stepmom in a high conflict divorce relationship. so much to learn, so much to share with others. but the irony of it all is that for all of us out there, we are relatively quiet. most s-mom blogs peter out, go private, or get deleted. most forums dance around the issues and never quite get to where we need to get as a collective group. fiercely protective of our husbands and s-kids, we wouldn’t dream of risking putting words to our feelings, lest it come back to slap him in the face in the courtroom.
even saying that much out loud feels like a risk.
it came out in therapy (yes, surprise, i got a therapist to deal with the mindfuck that has come with the years of being party to this particular brand of mental terrorism) that i used to have a personal blog with actual followers that i gave up when things got serious with my then-boyfriend (now husband). i realize how much i miss writing, not just for me, but for others. there is value in telling my story, and maybe not just for me. maybe i will start to make sense of things, gain some closure and some strength. maybe more like me will find their voice, and find a way to gain their own strength.
so i decided to take a risk. it helps that some of the legal roadblocks have conveniently lapsed recently, but either way, it’s time.
i’m done letting her have the power in this part of my life.
this is my story. i get to say how it is written, and who gets to know about it.
“i want to write about it, except that she might find it.”
no, bitch. i want to write about it. accept that.