paradigm shift.

April 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

Sometimes all I can think about is how incredibly tired I am. Mostly the tired comes from all the ways I mistreat my body. Putting crap in, spending most days in a sedentary mindset, staying up too late, getting up too early. My existence, my experience of day-to-day life is subpar, as a result.

I think back to the person, almost two years ago (how has it been so long), who was fearless, excited about life, willing to get out of the kayak in the middle of the ocean (okay, the bay) to stand on a rock and hold a paddle over her head like she just OWNED life, and I wonder where she went. I feel lost from her.

I can think of a million excuses why life was so hard, all the things that took her away from me, but the truth is, I let her slip away. It was a choice and I can just as easily choose to find her again. I’ve seen snippets over the last year – camping in sub-30 temperatures, moving across the state months ahead of my husband, hiking to the top of a trail to see the whole valley – I know she’s there. It will take work, hard work. Work that seems impossible some days when all I can think about is crawling back into bed.

I’m desperately afraid that this will turn out to be another in a long line of failed attempts to get back on the horse, but which is worse? Trying and failing, or never getting off the couch to even try?

So, today I am tired, but not because I stayed up too late (I didn’t), not because I’ve been putting crap into my body all day (I haven’t), but because it’s 1:30 and I’ve already used my break to take a walk and haven’t had any syrupy coffee or a Diet Coke (more syrup) to give me that short-term fuel. I’m going to not be discouraged by the fatigue but instead crank up the Nicki Minaj and try to embrace it, because I’m going to see it as a sign of progress, not of limitations.

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