In short.

November 21, 2011 § Leave a comment

I cannot understand:

  • Duplicity
  • Selfishness
  • Outright dishonesty

I want to understand how it is possible for a person to be this way. Nothing about it makes sense. It’s just inhuman.

Time and time again I am shocked by it. I allow it to anger me. To frustrate me. To consume my thoughts.

I don’t want to deal with this. Is there a way to be zen about it? Is there a way to pray for grace to be immune to it?

The fact that I can continue to have emotions about it at all, that I want to change it, is the difference between us, I think.

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Him.

November 1, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s not easy, living apart.

It’s been a month of this. Of long hours in the car, falling asleep alone, the noticeable void at every sad, happy, and ordinary moment. I’m going through all these big, exciting new life changes, and I just have to describe it to him after the fact over the phone. We’re like…1/9th of the way there, before he can move here with me, and some days it feels like all the long term benefits (degrees, dream careers, houses…the whole 9) just maybe aren’t worth it.

But oh, that’s not today. The secret part about living apart from your husband is that suddenly you appreciate everything about him. His face is new again, after almost five years. His voice suddenly sounds like it did the first time he said “I love you.” On the weekends we see each other, I can’t stop holding his hand, hugging him, smiling at him, just to remember he’s real. Our marriage feels so strong and just…VALID right now.

And it’s exciting, too, to find new ways to connect with each other. We just got a second webcam and did the video gchat for almost 2 hours this evening. Suddenly, being able to see him smile feels like such a great big exciting deal, not to mention all the ways that we’re inventing to let each other know we’re thinking of each other. It’s like going through those exciting beginning months of dating again.

I don’t know how this will change and evolve over the next 8 months. But I’m confident we’ll be stronger for it and it will be worth it, because, dammit, I love him.

Where Am I?

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