angst.

August 28, 2011 § 1 Comment

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon in late August, one of those days where I should be counting my blessings and other various and sundry things. Instead, I am feeling morose, comtemplative, cynical even.

It started with a facebook group celebrating the fact that my 10 year high school reunion is just one year away. I would just like to state for the record that I cannot fathom any world in which a person should be so excited about reliving their high school days that they are looking forward to it a year in advance. I just don't get it. I feel like 80% of the people on the board didn't get the message that high school WASN'T the time of their lives. Isn't there just…so much more? I wish we still lived in a time where we could go about ignorantly living our lives and freak out when we get the invite in the mail just 3 months in advance and go on panicky crash diets like normal people. Not this crap.

Then, I started looking around, wondering if other people who were on the fringes in high school (not quite the outside, but not the inside either) were equally as irritated and/or anxious about this whole business. I found a very small contingent, which only confirms the fact in my mind that growing up in a small town means that the high school bullshit never really ends. There will always be the inside group that is completely oblivious to the feelings of everyone else and just tramples over everyone with their shiny hometown pride zeal.

I don't know. That sounds like I don't like my hometown, which isn't accurate. I love my hometown, I love my former high school. I just didn't fit with the people in it and it took many years for me to even realize that. I was trying so hard to fit my square peggedness into their round hole for so long that it didn't even occur to me to look for a square hole. And now that I've found it, I wonder if it's worth the energy to explain that I get it now, that I'm square, and I'm okay with that and can all of us squares just be friends?

But of those squares, I've realized, some of my (very few) close friends no longer belong. They've become so very very round that I scarecly recognize them. And I don't want to go to a place where I am placed right back on the outside again. I mean…what is the point of that? I don't want to be mourning the loss of my childhood friends. It's easier to live far away and pretend that no one has lost themselves and the only problem is not enough time to see one another.

But I graduated in a class of only 160 kids. In the whole town. There is an immense amount of pressure (probably all imagined in my own mind) to go and do ones duty and smile that fake, cheesy, "I missed you all so much" smile, when really I'll be thinking "you're all just as stupid as I remember, only now I realize that I thought you were stupid when back then I thought I had to be one of you so much that I was willing to overlook that fact."

I wish I could just pretend the invitation got lost in the mail. 

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