June 15, 2011 § Leave a comment

It's late. I can't sleep. The later it gets, the more I seem to be worrying.

[they say i'm supposed to give my worries up to you]

We don't have a plan right now. We have lots of obligations, lots of things that are going to cost a lot of money, but no plan.

[they say that you always have a plan, that you know what you're doing]

We are saving every penny, but it's not going to be enough, not even close.

[they say that your love is more than enough, more than we could ever need]

How are we going to do this? How is it all going to come together?

[they say that with faith, you will provide]

I need a miracle. I need that window to throw itself wide open, right about now.

[they say you don't close a door without opening one]

Please…let today be the day.

[ask and ye shall receive, right?]



June 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s late.

It’s late and it’s quiet and I’m feeling introspective (and mildly morose).

I remember back when I graduated from college and I applied for job after job and didn’t get much more than a “no thanks” from most people that I felt this same sort of free falling sensation. Like either I was going to smack my arm and get hurt on the way down or end up at the bottom of some pit, a pile of guts and broken bones, but there was no way to grab onto something to stop the fall. I was just falling, with no direction, and there was no way up or out.

I don’t really feel like that now, per say, except that I can’t see any light, anywhere, to guide me. I am just standing at the bottom of the pit, maybe, listening to my own voice echo off the walls, but there is no ladder, no where to grab ahold. I am just helpless, waiting for someone to lower a damn rope already.

I have faced every week for the last 3 weeks with blind optimism: “THIS week is it, I’ll get a call for an interview, I can feel it!” But…nothing. The only people who call me these days are bill collectors.  And man, if that doesn’t contribute to the feeling of helplessness, I don’t know what does.

It is so SO painful to adjust to be living on less than HALF of what I was making before, and couldn’t come at a worse time. We have skyrocketing legal bills to pay and plane tickets to buy for the skids, and then, good LORD we have to somehow figure out how to feed and entertain them while we’re here, and how to get to all the family reunions scheduled along the way.

I need to either find God or win the lottery. Or both.

There’s not really much I can do about it but keep trying, keep selling things on Craigslist, and keep optimistic, which loosely translated, means to keep myself in a state of blissful denial.

I don’t know what exactly the silver lining is, except that I know we’ll come out of this having learned how to really save and stretch our dollars, I guess? And maybe, just maybe, come out of it with a fresh start, a better situation for our family.

God knows we need one.

Where Am I?

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