despair.

April 24, 2011 § 2 Comments

In one week, it will be May. That’s almost summer.

I fell asleep in December, had a dream about a perfect life, and woke up 5 months later to a nightmare. Where has all that time gone? How did I get here? How did it all change so very quickly?

I feel lost. Anxious. Not at all myself.

AJ isn’t himself. Andrew and Olivia aren’t themselves. And they’re leaving us, soon to be the Twice-or-Three-Times-a-Year type kids. He and I…we just don’t say anything. Because what is there to say? There is nothing to be said to make it better. Nothing to be done. We just have to put one foot in front of the other and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

I don’t feel like I know what to hope for right now. Every possible solution brings about more potential problems. I feel like there is no way out or up or through. It just is.

Sometimes I get this glimmer of hope, and then someone, in their all too well meaning attempt at being “helpful” says something that sends me into a tailspin of self-doubt and I’m right back to this place again.

So I’m going to write it out. Every night. Every time I feel this spiral of despair pulling me down. It has helped before. I hope it’s help again.

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§ 2 Responses to despair.

  • Lelia says:

    I think that writing it out will help immensely. I hope i’m not one of those glimmer of hope crushers 😦

  • m says:

    Nope. You are definitely not one of them. You are one of the few that actually inspires some of that hope. Thanks for prompting me to get writing again. I appreciate you.

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