An explanation, of sorts.

April 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

Five Fridays ago I went to work like it was a normal day and ended up leaving with my already fragile world flipped once again on its head.

They were doing  a reorg, and I was getting the shit end of the stick.

After a week of angst and frustration, lots of meetings wherein the major players tried to convince me that my demotion wasn’t *really* a demotion, I found myself the new owner of a severance package and a severely accelerated plan to go chasing after my dream job.

I was decidedly optimistic about it out of the gate. No, it wasn’t ideal and definitely not the path I would have chosen, all things being equal, but timing-wise, it seemed to make perfect sense.

When we found out that shewhomustnotbenamed was moving the skids across the country, we started thinking about moving back home with a little more purpose. While we definitely didn’t want them to move, without them tying us to this location, we’d be free to live wherever in the state we wished. The plane ride for them wouldn’t really change. So, I had started to look , but not with any sense of urgency. When the right job was there, we’d go.

But now there is a need to find a job right away. A little voice whispering “go!” If I was looking for direction, I had found it, it seemed.

I put out so many applications in those first couple weeks after the decision was made. I could do ANYTHING I wanted. This was the opportunity of a lifetime, I thought. No more wishing something would fall in my lap, I was going to go out there and find it, dammit.

But I don’t do well with idle time. I had forgot this about myself. I’m floundering now. Not really sure of what kind of job I should be looking for. I haven’t received a call back on anything, and it’s been a few weeks on some. Surely that means that I won’t be hearing back and if that’s true, then I must be doing something wrong, right? Should I be looking for just anything to get us out of here? Or should I be looking for just anything up here, and keep my eye out for the dream job there? And the big question: What exactly IS the dream job? I know the dream industry, but what is the dream JOB? And if I do manage to get it, how in the hell are we going to be able to actually move there and make it happen?

So many unanswered questions that all seem to chip away at my self-esteem throughout the day and ultimately result in the Hour of Self-Loathing every night (11pm, if you’re interested) when I realize that I have no answers and my day has had no purpose. Poor guy, He just sits there, asking how to help, but I honestly don’t know. I’m not usually the one who needs to be helped.

I know that in the end, this time will be an important turning point in my life, my career, and my marriage, but right now, I am struggling.

Now that I have acknowledged it, I can start to piece together a plan to change it.

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despair.

April 24, 2011 § 2 Comments

In one week, it will be May. That’s almost summer.

I fell asleep in December, had a dream about a perfect life, and woke up 5 months later to a nightmare. Where has all that time gone? How did I get here? How did it all change so very quickly?

I feel lost. Anxious. Not at all myself.

AJ isn’t himself. Andrew and Olivia aren’t themselves. And they’re leaving us, soon to be the Twice-or-Three-Times-a-Year type kids. He and I…we just don’t say anything. Because what is there to say? There is nothing to be said to make it better. Nothing to be done. We just have to put one foot in front of the other and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

I don’t feel like I know what to hope for right now. Every possible solution brings about more potential problems. I feel like there is no way out or up or through. It just is.

Sometimes I get this glimmer of hope, and then someone, in their all too well meaning attempt at being “helpful” says something that sends me into a tailspin of self-doubt and I’m right back to this place again.

So I’m going to write it out. Every night. Every time I feel this spiral of despair pulling me down. It has helped before. I hope it’s help again.

Where Am I?

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