The thing I have not learned.
July 19, 2010 § 1 Comment
I think I might suck as a social being, it turns out.
I’ve realized lately that I don’t really know how to make or keep friends in real life. I can be plenty social and amicable, but I don’t know how exactly you’re supposed to have friends when you don’t have convenient things like group projects and finals and celebrating finals to facilitate social interactions.
Most days, I just want to come home and be home and I don’t really want to be apart from AJ all that much.
It was understandable when we were going through the courtroomdrama hell. We were so overwhelmed by everything in life that we only ventured out for food and sustenance and otherwise huddled close for warmth and reassurance. But we’re past that now. We want lives.
I don’t know how to be the center of attention. I feel a little faint at the idea of inviting people I don’t know very well to my home where it will be revealed how truly boring I am. And I don’t know how to go about knowing people well enough to earn an invite to whatever social events they might have going on in their lives. So it’s easier to just rely on my trusty war pal (and extensive DVD collection) and keep to ourselves.
In all reality, I prefer my long-distance friends who either know me well enough to see past my slow-to-warm tendencies or are as equally socially awkward.
But then there’s the rare occasion where an internet friend lives in the same town and wants to do something but being that our friendship exists primarily via internet, we never get much further past “we should do something sometime.” And then someone’s feelings get hurt because both people were waiting for the other to take the initiative to make something real happen and one person took it more seriously than the other. And ugh, I just hate this whole process.
Maybe I’ve made all the real friends I’m going to make and it just so happens that none of them live in my town. But I don’t want that to be true.
So on Thursday, I’m taking a risk and going over to a coworkers house to do crafty things. And then we’re going to make plans for her family and our family to hang out. And we’re going to become real friends, outside of work. I might be anxious and nervous and all up in my head, but I know I can do this.
I can still make friends.