The thing I have not learned.

July 19, 2010 § 1 Comment

I think I might suck as a social being, it turns out.

I’ve realized lately that I don’t really know how to make or keep friends in real life. I can be plenty social and amicable, but I don’t know how exactly you’re supposed to have friends when you don’t have convenient things like group projects and finals and celebrating finals to facilitate social interactions.

Most days, I just want to come home and be home and I don’t really want to be apart from AJ all that much.

It was understandable when we were going through the courtroomdrama hell. We were so overwhelmed by everything in life that we only ventured out for food and sustenance and otherwise huddled close for warmth and reassurance. But we’re past that now. We want lives.

I don’t know how to be the center of attention. I feel a little faint at the idea of inviting people I don’t know very well to my home where it will be revealed how truly boring I am. And I don’t know how to go about knowing people well enough to earn an invite to whatever social events they might have going on in their lives. So it’s easier to just rely on my trusty war pal (and extensive DVD collection) and keep to ourselves.

In all reality, I prefer my long-distance friends who either know me well enough to see past my slow-to-warm tendencies or are as equally socially awkward.

But then there’s the rare occasion where an internet friend lives in the same town and wants to do something but being that our friendship exists primarily via internet, we never get much further past “we should do something sometime.” And then someone’s feelings get hurt because both people were waiting for the other to take the initiative to make something real happen and one person took it more seriously than the other. And ugh, I just hate this whole process.

Maybe I’ve made all the real friends I’m going to make and it just so happens that none of them live in my town. But I don’t want that to be true.

So on Thursday, I’m taking a risk and going over to a coworkers house to do crafty things. And then we’re going to make plans for her family and our family to hang out. And we’re going to become real friends, outside of work. I might be anxious and nervous and all up in my head, but I know I can do this.

I can still make friends.



July 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

There was nothing about it that was perfect.

There were tears, tantrums, frustrations. The food wasn’t on perfect, little Martha Stewart trays, not everyone’s hair was combed, hell, not even everyone’s clothes matched, but there was nothing about that holiday that I would trade.

We sat on the beach at sunset, chaos all around us as hundreds of people gathered, eager to add their version of patriotism into the smoke addled air. It was so loud that we had to shout to one another to be heard as we clambered  for our small square of beach to ring out our celebrations of independence. Amidst all that celebratory bedlam, I found myself swallowed up by the pregnant silence of the profound realization that in that moment, I had everything that I wanted. All the noise, the struggles, the heartaches just came crashing down and instead, I felt complete, I felt love in its purest, most untouched form.

They would turn and smile at me, inviting me to share in their joy and I knew I had become a real person to them. I feel so fortunate to be on this side of it, to know the difference now. Every minute that they are here, I want to hug them until I can’t stop and tell them how much I love them until I am out of the breath to say it. I want to love them until my heart stops beating.

I remember now, why we do this, why I am in this. I remember why we bother to subject ourselves to her, why we put every penny we have into fighting so very hard to get to this point. We may never really be free, but this weekend we celebrated our independence from the struggle and danced in the light.

Where Am I?

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