Remembering.

May 19, 2010 § Leave a comment

Three years ago today…

  • I was waiting for him to pick me up. All day. It was the longest day of my life to date, I’m fairly certain. I made 2 giant batches of chocolate chip cookies (1 was for him, for his birthday), painted my nails, shaved my legs, plucked my eyebrows, went over and over my outfit, tried to read, watch a movie, blog, do everything I could to get to 6PM quicker. And yet, I sat there, nervous as all hell, excited as all hell.
  • He rang my doorbell and presented me with a DVD of Shaun of the Dead to borrow and a single red rose. Geek dating at it’s finest. Later that night I discovered he had stuck a post-it note inside that said “Hope you enjoy.” I fell in love with his handwriting on the spot. I still have that post-it note, and Shaun of the Dead is now one of my favorite movies.
  • We swapped Tragic/Hilarious Life Moment stories over Chinese food. My fortune said “You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.” I still carry that fortune in my wallet.
  • We watched Hot Fuzz in the theater. We were late to the movie, but since he’d already seen it, he put his arm around me to lean in and whisper what I’d missed. I died inside a million times over. I don’t think I heard a single word he said. I spent most of the movie edging my leg closer to his and hoping he’d hold my hand. It felt like I was 13 again, in such a wonderful way. 
  • Neither of us wanted to go home, so we drove to a local park and laid on our backs in the grass and looked at the stars. It was the most romantic thing I’d ever done. We laid there for 2 hours, looking for constellations, and talking about our childhoods, our favorite Star Trek characters, what we wanted to do with our lives. We only left because I got so cold that I was shaking. I didn’t care, I could have stayed there all night.
  • He drove me home and we made plans for a second date the next weekend. I didn’t want to get out of the car, and not just because the heater was so warm. At the very last minute, he leaned in and kissed me and it was like nothing I had ever felt before. I can still feel the way my heart lept out of its chest. I laid awake for hours after, replaying that feeling over and over again.
  • It was only our first date, but I knew I was going to fall in love.
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Coping.

May 6, 2010 § 1 Comment

Sometimes I feel like I’m not as stressed out as I should be. I’m off the charts on the Life Stress Inventory (341, if you’re interested) and yet, I don’t feel like my world is going to end. Maybe it’s because I’ve been at this state for almost 2 years? Is this my new baseline?

I used to want to cry every day; I would sometimes feel paralyzed with my inability to effectively cope with everything just coming at me. It has been a lot to adjust to, and that’s really understating things. But now, I just go about my life. It just is. I’ve reached a very zenlike place about it. Everything that shewhomustnotbenamed does…is predictable. I’m not surprised by any of it. Anything else about life…I’ve just come to accept that life is unpredictable, and that in and of itself is reliable.

Today He went down to his atty’s office–boy, we need a clever name for her–for shewhomustnotbenamed’s [something that rhymes with shmeposition] while I had to stay for work. A year ago, my stomach would have been in knots all day, worrying over Him. Today, I just put it from my mind and trusted that we could handle whatever came our way. Maybe I’m getting complacent or worn out, maybe I’m losing my touch, but it feels like I’m getting better at this. It also might be that I’m just getting better at life (or better at taking in enough vitamin D to sustain my mood all week).

The workday wasn’t without it’s own stressors (Seriously, if I have two bosses, but only until they replace me in 1 position, do I really have to listen to the boss who won’t be my boss much longer? Because this ping-ponging between bosses all day long is wearing me out) but at the end of the day? It was sunshine and music all the way home.

I like that I’m figuring out how to take these things in, react, and then leave them behind me. I used to think that I was growing apathetic, but now I think maybe I’m just learning how to be a grown-up. My mom used to say that my feelings were in my fingertips (and not in a good way). Maybe, finally, I figured out where the gloves are.

Reasons

May 2, 2010 § Leave a comment

I found this half-started list buried in the pile of drafts from March-April that I started and then walked away from out of lack of interest, energy, or just words. It's interesting…I wrote this on March 1. Now I'm here, 2 months later (and TWENTY-TWO POUNDS DOWN!!), and, although I never completed the list, I feel like I can reflect a little on how well things have been working.

—-

Reasons for starting Weight Watchers

  1. My fat pants were starting to fit tight. 

            – Oh, hallelujah, they are falling off my rear now. Now I just have to decide if I'm ready for new ones or if I should wait a few pounds more.

      2. I felt frumpy in my work clothes.

             – Every day my coworkers are praising me for how cute I look, and, more importantly, I feel inspired to put together cute outfits instead of pairing whatever shirt that's not too tight with the same black trousers every day. Some days I walk out of my apartment feeling damn hot, and that is a BIG change.  

      3. I'd been trying–unsuccessfully–to get on track since the new year. I needed outside intervention.

            – I'm definitely eating better for myself. More days then not I actually get those 5 servings of fruits and vegetables and–at least on workdays–I'm getting out and getting my body moving. I'm still working at adding what feels like meaningful cardiovascular activity, but slowly but surely I'm getting there. I think somehow joining WW solidified the idea for me that it can't all happen overnight but that slowly, with meaningful changes to my lifestyle, it will all start to fall into place. And it is. I regret the days when I eat McDonald's and miss going running when I don't. I never thought I would be this person–literally NEVER–but somehow, I'm turning into her right before my very eyes.

Where Am I?

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