Moving forward.

December 30, 2009 § Leave a comment

PEACE.
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. (author unknown)

I have never found myself further from peace in my life. How can I have peace when I am constantly at war? Battle after battle, day in and day out, it has made me cold and it has hardened my heart.

I’m fighting the wrong people, the wrong battles.

I maintain that I am happy; that I have what I want in life. But being happy once meant that I was resilient, that I could stand strong and weather the storm, and I am no longer capable of those things.

This life that I have chosen–or maybe it chose me–is a challenge. Every day I face obstacles that a younger, less mature me would run from. In finding the wherewithal to conquer these challenges, I have become a person I no longer recognize. I find fault in so many people, I take offense where none was intended, I fight battles that need not be fought. I am exhausted. This year, this fight has left me completely spent.

On Christmas Eve at Midnight Mass, I felt that increasingly familiar feeling of annoyance and cynicism creep it’s way into my thoughts and I couldn’t believe that I was feeling it at Mass on Christmas Eve of all places,¬†and yet, instead of turning away from those feelings, I allowed myself to sink deeper into them. I’m not a very reverent or devout person, but looking back a week later, I’m a little shocked at myself. And then, somehow, I found myself receiving Communion and feeling my heart open, as if it was made of ice and suddenly the spring had come. It was a reminder: THIS is peace. THIS is what you are missing. Your heart deserves better.

And so, rather than angrily slamming the door on this year of challenges, I will firmly shut it, with dignity, and look toward a year of peace.

Where Am I?

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